Stages of Recovery

Have you ever stopped to think about the emotions we go through when a major life event hits us smack in the face? When a close family member dies, it’s called stages of grief. When our marriage falls apart or we learn of a major illness we must learn to deal with, it’s called stages of recovery. But in all these situations, the five stages are the same.

Stage 1. Denial
Stage 2. Anger
Stage 3. Bargaining
Stage 4. Depression
Stage 5. Acceptance

Not everyone going through a life changing event experiences each and every emotional stage, but it’s clear that everyone must learn to accept their situation if they want to move forward and live a normal life.

How many of us were in denial that we have heart disease? I can still remember that fateful morning when my throat burned, my arm tingled, a baby elephant sat on my chest, and all the muscles in my body refused to hold me upright. A heart attack was the furthest thing from my mind. Ironically, the terms the doctors used in my presence didn’t help me understand what was happening either. I knew they were looking at my heart, but I didn’t realize the seriousness of my situation until after I left the hospital and started researching the definitions of all the medical terms on my discharge papers. Was I in denial? Yes.

Once we admit to ourselves we have to face our lives for what they are, anger takes over. We ask ourselves, “Why me?” We blame God, the doctors, our husbands, our children, and ourselves. Anger sometimes accompanies distress, fear and anxiety. If our situation is life-threatening, we wonder if we will live another day, another month, another year. Will we be around to watch our children grow up, go to college, and get married? We live in constant fear of another heart attack, another bypass surgery. Will we survive the next one? We wonder why our families don’t see the emotional pain we are in. How many of our spouses are supportive for a time, but soon go back to their old habits. Do we have a right to be angry? Yes. Can we get past the anger and fear? Yes.

Anger, anxiety, and stress had consumed me the weeks and days before my heart attack. I was trying to deal with life situations that I wasn’t happy about. And now, I had heart disease. From my way of thinking, I had to change my lifestyle or die. How was I going to eat healthy, exercise, and dig deep into myself to find happiness? How could I live in a house where my family ate saturated fats and spent their days in front of a computer and television? Determined to survive and live a healthy life, I entered cardiac rehab with a strong determination to succeed.

As we gain some control of our situations, we begin to bargain with ourselves. We tell ourselves, “If I go through cardiac rehab, I’ll be fine.” Unfortunately, for those with heart disease, just as for those going through a divorce or learning to live without a family member, there is no easy fix. A ten or twelve week program is only the beginning. We learn about healthy eating habits, begin to establish new habits of daily exercise, learn ways to control our stress, talk with others who’ve gone through similar problems and come to a new understanding of how we must live our lives.

If Depression hasn’t set in shortly after our jaunt to the hospital, we may find ourselves depressed after cardiac rehab when we lose the support of our nutritionist, personal trainer, cardiac nurses, spirituality teacher, group support leader, yoga or Tai Chi instructor. Now, we are all alone to carry out our new habits. If family and friends are supportive, they will agree to eat healthier meals and accompany you to the gym. But what happens when those close to us aren’t willing to change? We can feel like we are drowning in the middle of the Pacific Ocean or we can reach outside our close nucleus to others for support.

We’ve all heard the saying, “You can’t change others, you can only change yourself.” But what happens when you’ve been married for years? What happens when you’ve made the effort to change your lifestyle and your family members continue to eat unhealthy foods or remain couch potatoes? We find new friends whom share our new way of living. We develop new support systems and learn acceptance. This isn’t always easy, but when we are able to let go of our expectations, when we are able to let go of our fear, we come to a place of peace and gratitude. We find serenity.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.